if you have been connected to any of my social media (or the other aforementioned places of writing/processing), you know the series of disasters that have taken over this year. for those of you still catching up, here's the short list: major anxiety attack, housefire, electric shock (that broke my arm!), car crash, violent mugging (that broke my nose!), and kidney infection. the series of disastrous events led several friends and family members to tell me that i had practically become a caricature of myself, or some sort of cartoon character (ha!). i have been in the hospital more times this year than i have in any other. i went from giving this bright, optimistic interview about my job as a domestic violence advocate to being completely burnt out and giving notice without a safety net or some sort of plan to save me from becoming one of the homeless folk i served. my dating life has been infinitely better than it has been this year than it ever has (a combination of increased self-esteem, an improved ability to vet, and the luck of meeting several fan-fucking-tastic people who, even if things didn't work out, have turned out to be friends that i hope to have in my life for many more years to come), but was still a seemingly turbulent component in the ever-tumultuous effort that is emotional growth and maturity. i threw myself into a lot of new things that were frightening and intimidating to take on.
basically: a lot has happened, and while, on the surface it may not seem like much has changed, i find myself a very different person than who i was one year ago. of course, that's the nature of rapid maturation that occurs when one is in their early twenties, yes? while intellectually i can recognize this is natural, normal, and ultimately, probably not that remarkable, as it occurs it continuously remains an absolute marvel to me.
one of the most satisfying things about reflecting upon what has passed is that although this year has possessed some of the most horrifying experiences of my life, this year has still not shaken me as much as 2008 did. fortunately (or unfortunately?), my father's death remains the most staggering, hurtful events of my life, and so, even though this year was ugly (and i was ugly through much of it, as a result), it wasn't the worst year of my life. it's a seemingly small comfort that relieves me enormously.
it's difficult to express all of the things that i have gleaned, particularly about myself, through the absurdities that 2011 offered. i barely know where to start. i learned so much about self-care, about developing community, about working through hard conversations and uncomfortable moments and my total aversion to legitimate vulnerability. the physical pain that occurred this year taught me so much about how i address all pain (physical and emotional). the disasters helped me unpack my pride, which never, ever allows me to ask for help, even when i am hurting myself more by pretending i can TOTALLY DO IT ALL BECAUSE I AM SO INDEPENDENT AND I KNOW EVERYTHING PS. DON'T TOUCH ME, ASSHOLE, I DON'T NEED ANY HUGS. HUGS ARE FOR PEOPLE WHO NEED THINGS. STOP TRYING TO BE NICE TO ME AND GO AWAY AND BY THE WAY, GO FUCK YOURSELF. (at this point, i would like to note that i am a superpleasant person to be around.) i also abandoned a lot of aspirations that i was committing myself to because i thought i "should," instead of focusing the energy on figuring out exactly where and who i want to be (and who i already am). i am still figuring a lot of this out, but the strides that have been made are massive.
most importantly, the people who were in my life this year made the most noteworthy impact. i was fortunate enough to have many of my existing relationships flourish in ways i could not have imagined. i also was fortunate enough to have a mass influx of new folk who have altered my foundation irreversibly. for every lowdown louse that has entered my life, i have had at least twenty sparkling souls serve the recovery of my faith in humanity. truly, if there is anything enviable about my life, it is that i have the most amazing friends anyone could ask for. they are so wise, so empathetic, so generous, so patient, so intelligent, so passionate, and so, so, so creative. they almost make me a little sick with how wonderful they are. i often feel like i do not deserve the presence of such incredible people, and i am so glad that they have chosen to let me into their lives. i am constantly inspired by them, with those big brains, even bigger hearts, and all of their lofty pursuits (also inspired by their many silly, sexy, altruistic, and ridiculous endeavors, as well). i cannot thank them enough for their presence. there just aren't enough words.
2011 has been a doozy, ladies, genderqueers, and gents. i would be lying if i didn't tell you that my anxiety for what the future holds doesn't still overcome me (and at the most inopportune times too, goddamnit), and there is still so much work to be done. i walk out of this year with so many scars (and an unfortunate bump on my nose), but i also walk out with more optimism than i can remember possessing in as long as i can remember.
several years ago, i wrote that i was falling apart, and one of my dearest friends (and possibly my number one reallife hero), july westhale, told me, "and we'll be here to help you pick up the pieces." i didn't believe her at the time, and i don't think i even understood what that meant. i had no sense of what community meant. the idea that there were people who were going to stick around, even when i wasn't performing for their benefit, and even when i wasn't doing my best to "earn their love," was completely unfathomable to me. i have often operated on the basic belief that we walk into this life alone, we walk through it alone, and we walk out alone. it has been a constant state of isolation. although on some level that still holds some truth, i walk out of this year knowing that hey, maybe the world isn't as lonely as i thought it was. silly me.
2011, i told you to bring it, and boy, did you. so 2012, bring me more. maybe, though, let's shed a little less blood this time.
either way: i'm ready for you. let's go.
Proud of you lady ♥
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